The 3am blog

It is 3am…

Why do I always awake at around 3am…although frustratingly never exactly at 3am on the dot…this is gauged  by the clock on the oven in the kitchen.

When I started my treatment 2 years ago I was warned about the 3am witching hour, or should I say the 3am Google hour. It seemed unbelievable that this was a common thing or that it would persist but two years on and I still consistently awake at 3am.

However, I no longer wake up and Google. I have Googled every site on lung cancer to check mortality rates for different scenarios and none of them really answered the question that I wanted an answer to, one of the few questions that Google can’t answer, that is; How long have I got left to live? I have Googled every side effect of my chemotherapy, and none of them really answer the question that I wanted an answer to, that is; Is how I am feeling normal? I no longer get trapped into reading chat rooms, often full of people looking for answers to these two questions for themselves or a loved one.

During a counselling session I was advised not to look at he clock when I got up in the night and definitely not to Google. I have kicked the Google habit (mostly) but can’t not look at the clock. If I didn’t look at the clock I would never be able to get back to sleep for two reasons:

1. It might not be 3 am. The repercussions of it possibly not being 3am would be impossible for me to be able to bear. I would worry, why have I awoken early / late (delete as applicable), what has changed? Something new to Google…no I can’t go back to looking at the same information regurgitated a million times.
2. It might not be 3 am. The repercussions of it possibly not being 3am would be impossible for me to be able to bear as I may have more or less hours sleep available before I have to get up at 6am. Not knowing this would worry me to the point that sleep would become impossible.

Three in fours times I am able to get back to sleep eventually safe knowing that I have under 3 hours left until the alarm goes off. One in four I don’t and I use the time wisely tossing and turning trying to resolve every unresolvable problem that exists in my life in my head. In these cases sleep is impossible right up until the seconds after the alarm goes off, at which point sleep returns like a long lost friend whispering “go on, just shut your eyes for a moment, you won’t be late, it will be fine”.

So this is a new tactic. Blog at 3am, I will let you know how it goes. Not sure who you are or if there is even anyone out there. Not sure I really care…no I do care…but it is something I have not direct control of…I will save stoicism for another blog, perhaps a 3am blog?